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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service




DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read .

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1.. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to

go out to eat.

(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...

If you haven't, add 1757.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number


The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., How many times
you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)


The next two numbers are  

YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)

 

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS  



 

 
> I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up
> $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She
> gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told
> her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave
> her the money back. She became indignant and informed
> me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and
> returned the money again. I gave her the money back
> again...same scenario! I departed the store with the
> $46.64.
>
> 
> ...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
>
>
>
> I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free
> coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she
> looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free."
> "They're already
> buy-one-get-one-free", she said , "so I guess they're
> both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I
> walked out the door.
>
> ..............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
>
>
>
> One day I was walking down the beach with some friends
> when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
> Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
>
> ..............They Walk Among Us!
>
>
>
> While looking at a house, my brother asked the real
> estate agent which direction was north because, he
> explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every
> morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
> When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
> east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and
> said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."
>
> ............. ..They Walk Among Us!!
>
>
>
> I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call
> center. One day I got a call from an individual who
> asked what hours the call center was open. I told him,
> "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
> a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific
> time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh,
> Pacific."
>
> ...............They Walk Among Us!
>
>
>
>
> My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to
> cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps
> it in the trunk.
>
> ...............They Walk Among Us!
>
>
>
> My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that
> the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big
> party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2
> times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
>
> ...............They Walk Among Us!
>
>
>
> I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage
> area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told
> the woman there that my bags never showed up. She
> smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
> trained professional and I was in good hands.
>
> "Now", she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
>
> ..............They Walk Among Us!
>
>
> While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
> ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone
> and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4
> pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
> responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
> I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
>
> ............. ..Yep, They Walk Among Us!
>
> They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and
>
> WORST OF ALL...................................They VOTE!
>
 
 
     


When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

          On your way home from work, you can stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.  Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.  Now the fun part begins Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:  "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ".  Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am SO GLAD I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."


         HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS  MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS! 







Chinese eye test 
THIS IS BRILLIANT!!! 




If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling 
the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese.
It works 
Too FUNNY not to pass on!






7 reasons not to mess with children: 
 


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. 

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". 

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". 



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. 

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. 

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." 

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." 



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" 

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." 



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" 

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" 



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead." 



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." 

"Yes," the class said. 

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" 

A little fellow shouted, 
"Cause your feet ain't empty." 



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 

"Take only ONE . God is watching." 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."